Shit My Guy Says: The Chicken Edition

[While eating a rotisserie chicken for dinner]

My Guy: If you weren’t here, I would eat this entire chicken by myself.

Me: Oh my god, no you wouldn’t.

My Guy: Yes I would, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with the leftovers.

Me:  That’s terrible.  I’m so sad for you.

My Guy:  I wouldn’t be sad.  I would be [...]

Shit My Guy Says: Everybody that he used to know

Andy, as it turns out, knows A LOT of people in Wilmington.  Half the time when we go to the grocery store he’ll see someone he knows and be like, “Oh, yeah, that’s blahblahblah.  I used to: work with/teach/date/hang out with him/her.”  I think he has dated pretty much every woman in Wilmington at some [...]

Shit My Guy Says: The Blaspheme Edition

Me: [Talking to the dog as she curls up adorably beside me on the couch, in that voice some dog owners use and that I swore I wouldn't ever but it turns out I just can't help myself.] Aww, are you a little lamb?  Look, she’s such a little lamb.

My Guy: She’s the Lamb of [...]

Shit My Guy Says: The Pre-Marital Edition

[Driving to the jewelry store to redeem my 'one free watch battery' coupon because you know, why not, it's free and I needed a watch battery]

Andy: Are you going to wear that?

Me: What?

Andy: That sweatshirt.

Me:  Ummm….yes?  Why?

Andy: Oh god, you look like a bag lady.

Me:  Why?  What’s wrong with it?

Andy: What’s wrong with it? There’s [...]

Despite Having a College Degree it is Surprising How Little I Know

[while watching Saturday Night Live the other night]

Me: Is he from Peter Paul & Mary?

My Guy: Who?

Me: Paul Simon.

My Guy: Oh my god, no.  Paul SIMON.  Simon & Garfunkel?  Bridge Over Troubled Water? The Sound of Silence? The Graduate? One of the best musicians of all time?

Me: Oh.

My Guy: Oh god, that’s it, we’re getting [...]

Shit My Guy Says: Landfill Edition

My Guy: Did I ever tell you about the time I found a person’s leg at the landfill?

Me: Oh my god, you found what?  A leg?  A human leg, like a murder victim?

My Guy: No, it was a prosthetic leg.  It still had the shoe and sock on it and everything.  I was like, ‘Who [...]

Shit My Guy Says: Fashion Edition

My Guy:  When are you gonna get some new jeans?

Me: What’s wrong with these jeans?  These are my nice jeans.

My Guy:  Yeah, but they’re about 8 inches too short.  The flood is in New Jersey, you know.

Me: What?

My Guy: Your pants look like high-waters.  It looks like you’re trying to wade through a flood.  Maybe [...]

Subliminal

My Guy (half asleep): I just had a dream we got engaged…

Me: Awww…

My Guy: And I took your ring and hid it in a pile of bear shit, and you and your mom had to dig through the bear shit to find it.

Me: That doesn’t sound great.

My Guy: Every woman always remembers where she was [...]

Shit My Guy Says: Rotten Fruit Edition

My Guy:  Can we throw this rotten fruit in the compost?

Me:  What rotten fruit?

My Guy:  This bowl full of rotten fruit.  Right here on the counter.  It’s disgusting.

Me:  No, no, it’s still okay .  I was going to make something with it.

My Guy:  Oh my god.  I’m gonna be dead for three months and you’ll [...]

Shit My Guy Says: The Ex-Girlfriend Edition

My Guy:  Yeah, you would’ve really liked her.  She’s totally effing weird.