[While eating a rotisserie chicken for dinner]
My Guy: If you weren’t here, I would eat this entire chicken by myself.
Me: Oh my god, no you wouldn’t.
My Guy: Yes I would, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with the leftovers.
Me: That’s terrible. I’m so sad for you.
My Guy: I wouldn’t be sad. I would be [...]
Andy, as it turns out, knows A LOT of people in Wilmington. Half the time when we go to the grocery store he’ll see someone he knows and be like, “Oh, yeah, that’s blahblahblah. I used to: work with/teach/date/hang out with him/her.” I think he has dated pretty much every woman in Wilmington at some [...]
Me: [Talking to the dog as she curls up adorably beside me on the couch, in that voice some dog owners use and that I swore I wouldn't ever but it turns out I just can't help myself.] Aww, are you a little lamb? Look, she’s such a little lamb.
My Guy: She’s the Lamb of [...]
[Driving to the jewelry store to redeem my 'one free watch battery' coupon because you know, why not, it's free and I needed a watch battery]
Andy: Are you going to wear that?
Andy: That sweatshirt.
Me: Ummm….yes? Why?
Andy: Oh god, you look like a bag lady.
Me: Why? What’s wrong with it?
Andy: What’s wrong with it? There’s [...]
[while watching Saturday Night Live the other night]
Me: Is he from Peter Paul & Mary?
My Guy: Who?
Me: Paul Simon.
My Guy: Oh my god, no. Paul SIMON. Simon & Garfunkel? Bridge Over Troubled Water? The Sound of Silence? The Graduate? One of the best musicians of all time?
My Guy: Oh god, that’s it, we’re getting [...]
My Guy: Did I ever tell you about the time I found a person’s leg at the landfill?
Me: Oh my god, you found what? A leg? A human leg, like a murder victim?
My Guy: No, it was a prosthetic leg. It still had the shoe and sock on it and everything. I was like, ‘Who [...]
My Guy: When are you gonna get some new jeans?
Me: What’s wrong with these jeans? These are my nice jeans.
My Guy: Yeah, but they’re about 8 inches too short. The flood is in New Jersey, you know.
My Guy: Your pants look like high-waters. It looks like you’re trying to wade through a flood. Maybe [...]
My Guy (half asleep): I just had a dream we got engaged…
My Guy: And I took your ring and hid it in a pile of bear shit, and you and your mom had to dig through the bear shit to find it.
Me: That doesn’t sound great.
My Guy: Every woman always remembers where she was [...]
My Guy: Can we throw this rotten fruit in the compost?
Me: What rotten fruit?
My Guy: This bowl full of rotten fruit. Right here on the counter. It’s disgusting.
Me: No, no, it’s still okay . I was going to make something with it.
My Guy: Oh my god. I’m gonna be dead for three months and you’ll [...]
My Guy: Yeah, you would’ve really liked her. She’s totally effing weird.