So please join me, today, in voting for the right to not have to accept the ‘I Voted’ sticker thrust upon you by the overzealous Board of Elections worker. I am no longer four years old, stickers are not my thing, it’s going to end up in the trash can in approximately 2 minutes [...]
It’s dark in the mornings now, so I guess that’s as good an excuse as any for why I’ve been wearing my underwear inside out all day.
Gonna write a book of scary stories for dogs. It’ll be called: And Then the Vacuum…
Also will include a story titled: The UPS Man Only Knocks Once…Before he Steals Your Soul with his Truck.
In other news, I vacuumed the house today. And now Snooki has the shakes, pretty sure these two things are unrelated.
Write a note like this to someone you know.
Sign your own name, though. And also probably don’t give it to a coworker, I’m pretty sure that would be considered sexual harassment.
Recently added to the list of features our dream home would have: a pond.
So that we could keep baby turtle as a pet!
Seriously, this guy [...]
Me: Yeah, I don’t know if I’ll buy that hemp protein powder again. It made the smoothies sort of grainy.
Andy: Well what did you expect? You’re eating a fucking rope.
Me: [Talking to the dog as she curls up adorably beside me on the couch, in that voice some dog owners use and that I swore I wouldn't ever but it turns out I just can't help myself.] Aww, are you a little lamb? Look, she’s such a little lamb.
My Guy: She’s the Lamb of [...]
Listen: we all know that the best part of Thanksgiving dinner is the leftovers, right?
The day-after turkey sandwich smeared with mayo and cranberry sauce, the green bean casserole mixed with stuffing, the mid-morning snack of sweet potato casserole.
Now, I don’t know about you, but for me the ‘perfect bite’ of Thanksgiving is thus: turkey, stuffing, [...]
Let me begin by telling a story.
When I was in the fourth grade one of my classmates had a slumber party for her birthday. For reasons that still elude me, her parents rented two videos for all of us ten year-old girls to watch.
One of the movies was Where the Red Fern Grows. [...]
After reading the first page of this book I had several thoughts.
The first was, ‘Oh crap.’
The second was, ‘What the hell is she talking about?’
The third was, ‘I’m going to have to read this during the day because if I read it at night it will put me to sleep and/or confuse me.’
I noticed this lizard on the front stoop a week or so ago. It wasn’t moving at all, so I assumed it was dead. It was still in the same spot a couple of days ago, but I wondered “If it’s dead, how come it hasn’t shriveled up yet?” So I poked at it.
It moved [...]