The house finches have made their nest in the porch again, and every time we go out there we are met with a startled brown flutter of wings. If we dare to sit out there for longer than five minutes to try to enjoy the sunset or an afternoon beer, we are serenaded by angry chirruping [...]
Last night I dreamed that I was writing for The Onion, and the article I wrote was called, ‘Mother Nature issues recall on husbands: says, “They weren’t meant to snore so much.” Women everywhere are thrilled. Local wife says, “I mean, sure I’ll miss him, but I’m just excited to get a replacement model that [...]
The other night I dreamt that I found a stray dog roaming in the streets, a beagle. Because I knew that Andy would be less-than-thrilled to become a two-dog household, I tried to make the dog too adorable for him to say no.
So I put a little hat on him and named him ‘Beagle Bailey.’
Saw a dead rat in the Bojangle’s parking lot.
I mean, I still went inside and ate, what do I look like, a health inspector?
Turns out that in the South, summer’s arrival is not determined by a date on the calendar, but rather by the season’s first sighting of a guy driving his pickup truck with no shirt on.
Some context clues in case you’re not from Wilmington: The Triangle is a local dive bar, and Bob Townsend is a local newscaster. (Also, it should be noted that one of the Yelp reviews for the Triangle has what is probably the most apt description of any dive bar, anywhere: “If you don’t like it, [...]
Andy: Why is there so much pollen?
Me: Um, I dunno…it’s just that time of year.
Andy: But why is there so much of it?
Me: You mean like, Why is there pollen?
Me: That’s how trees have sex. You know, ’cause it’s not like a tree can just walk down to the bar and find some lady [...]
First of all, you should buy and cook a corned beef. Just do it, and follow the package directions, because you know it’s delicious. You should not, under any circumstances, try to roast it. I made this mistake so you don’t have to, unless of course you like eating shriveled slabs of [...]
Nurse: How are you doing? Are you feeling nervous?
Andy: Yeah, a little.
Nurse: Is this your first time?
Andy: No, I’ve felt nervous before.
First of all, let me just say, 2015?!? I am still getting used to the idea that it is 2000-anything, and if I think about it too much I get a little weirded out and start thinking about HAL and singing Prince songs (or, ‘the symbol formerly known as Prince’ songs).
Second of all, let me [...]