Last night I dreamed that I was writing for The Onion, and the article I wrote was called, ‘Mother Nature issues recall on husbands: says, “They weren’t meant to snore so much.” Women everywhere are thrilled. Local wife says, “I mean, sure I’ll miss him, but I’m just excited to get a replacement model that [...]
The other night I dreamt that I found a stray dog roaming in the streets, a beagle. Because I knew that Andy would be less-than-thrilled to become a two-dog household, I tried to make the dog too adorable for him to say no.
So I put a little hat on him and named him ‘Beagle Bailey.’
Saw a dead rat in the Bojangle’s parking lot.
I mean, I still went inside and ate, what do I look like, a health inspector?
Turns out that in the South, summer’s arrival is not determined by a date on the calendar, but rather by the season’s first sighting of a guy driving his pickup truck with no shirt on.
Some context clues in case you’re not from Wilmington: The Triangle is a local dive bar, and Bob Townsend is a local newscaster. (Also, it should be noted that one of the Yelp reviews for the Triangle has what is probably the most apt description of any dive bar, anywhere: “If you don’t like it, [...]
Andy: Why is there so much pollen?
Me: Um, I dunno…it’s just that time of year.
Andy: But why is there so much of it?
Me: You mean like, Why is there pollen?
Me: That’s how trees have sex. You know, ’cause it’s not like a tree can just walk down to the bar and find some lady [...]
First of all, you should buy and cook a corned beef. Just do it, and follow the package directions, because you know it’s delicious. You should not, under any circumstances, try to roast it. I made this mistake so you don’t have to, unless of course you like eating shriveled slabs of [...]
Nurse: How are you doing? Are you feeling nervous?
Andy: Yeah, a little.
Nurse: Is this your first time?
Andy: No, I’ve felt nervous before.
First of all, let me just say, 2015?!? I am still getting used to the idea that it is 2000-anything, and if I think about it too much I get a little weirded out and start thinking about HAL and singing Prince songs (or, ‘the symbol formerly known as Prince’ songs).
Second of all, let me [...]
Andy: Oh my god, they’re so old, Fleetwood Mac. They’re older than your mom.
Me: I’m putting that on the blog.
Andy: No, don’t, it might not even be true. We should find out how old they are first. [A few Wikipedia searches later:] Well they are older than your mom. But you still shouldn’t say it, [...]