Shit My Guy Says: The Old Rocker Edition

Andy: Oh my god, they’re so old, Fleetwood Mac.  They’re older than your mom.

Me: I’m putting that on the blog.

Andy: No, don’t, it might not even be true.  We should find out how old they are first. [A few Wikipedia searches later:] Well they are older than your mom.  But you still shouldn’t say it, [...]

Feeling Like a Drowned Rat

I know it may not have been 40 days of rain yet, but I’m really wishing I had started building my ark a lot sooner.

Shit My Guy Says: In Which he Explains the Differences Between the Big Box Stores

My Guy: The next time you go to Sam’s could you get me some Goop [hand cleaner/degreaser]?

Me: Yeah. They don’t have it at Costco?

My Guy: No.

Me: I wonder why not?

My Guy: Because people who shop at Costco don’t work on their own cars. They pay people to do it for them.

We May as Well Call it Summer

The last time my computer broke, two-thirds of the screen went black, permanently.  The other third of the screen still functioned fine, so I would drag and scroll things up to the 1/3 screen as best I could.  After several days of this I found out that the glitch, as it turned out, [...]

I Realize Now It’s Not a Pie

The weekend before last I was a bridesmaid in my friend Ashley’s wedding.  Things went as they normally do (hair, makeup, dress, bouquets) until, as we were walking across the lawn to go into the church, the sole of my shoe fell off.

But the problem was it did not fall completely off; the heel portion [...]

Better With Pirates

Me [to coworker]: What is this check for?

Coworker: A cannon.

Me:  A cannon?

Coworker: Yeah, you know, from the pirate ship.

Me: Ohhh.  Right.  The pirates.

Coworker: Yeah, they actually offered me a job.

Me:  No way.  Like, being a pirate?

Coworker: Yeah, I guess he thought I looked like a pirate.

Me: Because of your beard?

Coworker: I guess.  Musta been something, [...]

But I Did

I’ve been battling a terrible cold this last week, drinking mug after hot mug of ginger tea (fresh grated ginger, lemon, hot water, honey to taste) and wishing I had had the foresight to stash away a few frozen quarts of this carrot-ginger soup.  I did think that I had one, but after taking it [...]

Speaking of Cakes

Well, we had one briefly glorious day of sunny-and-70-degrees; now it’s going to rain for the next 3 days straight.

I don’t know what the weather is like where you are, but maybe you’re in need of a good laugh.

If so, I’m here to help…

There’s this essay by Alice Bradley about a home-haircut gone awry which [...]

Wishing there were an Olympic sport called: Asking Awkward Questions

If I were a journalist in Sochi right now, you can be sure I’d be asking the hard-hitting questions like,

“Why do you think you just fucked up so badly?”

“Bob Costas, is it true you got pink eye from snuggling with a stray dog in your hotel room?”

“You know that journalists only want to interview you [...]

Good at Failing Pop Culture

[While watching the intro to Jimmy Fallon when they list the night's guests]

Andy: Who’s Miles Teller?

Me: I dunno…Maybe he’s one of those magicians from Penn & Teller?

Andy: [Blank stare].  Do you know who Penn & Teller are?

Me: Sure I do, they’re magicians.  They do weird stuff.  There’s the one really big guy, and the small [...]