BasilandFig

Here are some of the thank-you notes that I wanted to write, but didn’t:

“Thank you for the sheets.  We will be having a lot of sex on them.”

“Thank you for this thing.  Andy says it looks like an inflamed labia and now I can’t look at it anymore without thinking of an STD.”

“Thank you for [...]

Me: [Talking to the dog as she curls up adorably beside me on the couch, in that voice some dog owners use and that I swore I wouldn't ever but it turns out I just can't help myself.] Aww, are you a little lamb?  Look, she’s such a little lamb.

My Guy: She’s the Lamb of [...]

I bet you were worried that this was going to turn into a wedding-planning blog, weren’t you?

Well lucky for us all, a) I am not that kind of person and b) even if I was it’s too late because I’m already married!

I learned a lot during these past months of wedding-planning (or as my mom [...]

Whenever you are doing something that makes you feel totally ordinary and boring like, say, buying eggs and milk at the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon and lamenting maybe a little now that the cashiers all refer to you as ‘ma’am,’ it helps to add a few curses to your interior monologue.

As in: “I’m [...]

[Driving to the jewelry store to redeem my 'one free watch battery' coupon because you know, why not, it's free and I needed a watch battery]

Andy: Are you going to wear that?

Me: What?

Andy: That sweatshirt.

Me:  Ummm….yes?  Why?

Andy: Oh god, you look like a bag lady.

Me:  Why?  What’s wrong with it?

Andy: What’s wrong with it? There’s [...]

Yesterday at work I used the word ‘ain’t’ in a sentence.

Unironically.

Unintentionally.

As in, “She was supposed to send me some tax papers in a folder, but it ain’t in here.”

And then inwardly as soon as the word left my mouth I was thinking, “Oh. My. Gawd.  What?”

And then I chastised myself for bringing shame on my [...]

I might look great in my lycra running tights but, I assure you, any amount of sex appeal is negated tenfold by how I look trying to remove my lycra running tights.

MGM: [Introducing herself to the realtor] You know, I used to be a realtor.  I worked with Gail Tice.  Did you know her?  She was murdered.

Me: Oh gosh, Ann, I wouldn’t open with that.

It is about this time of year that I notice them—the wild greens.  I see them in highway medians, in fallow fields and front lawns, distinguishable only from other weeds only by the clustered spikes of yellow flowers swaying gently.

Where I used to work, at a non-profit, many of the families we worked with were [...]

[while watching Saturday Night Live the other night]

Me: Is he from Peter Paul & Mary?

My Guy: Who?

Me: Paul Simon.

My Guy: Oh my god, no.  Paul SIMON.  Simon & Garfunkel?  Bridge Over Troubled Water? The Sound of Silence? The Graduate? One of the best musicians of all time?

Me: Oh.

My Guy: Oh god, that’s it, we’re getting [...]