Better With Pirates

Me [to coworker]: What is this check for?

Coworker: A cannon.

Me:  A cannon?

Coworker: Yeah, you know, from the pirate ship.

Me: Ohhh.  Right.  The pirates.

Coworker: Yeah, they actually offered me a job.

Me:  No way.  Like, being a pirate?

Coworker: Yeah, I guess he thought I looked like a pirate.

Me: Because of your beard?

Coworker: I guess.  Musta been something, [...]

But I Did

I’ve been battling a terrible cold this last week, drinking mug after hot mug of ginger tea (fresh grated ginger, lemon, hot water, honey to taste) and wishing I had had the foresight to stash away a few frozen quarts of this carrot-ginger soup.  I did think that I had one, but after taking it [...]

Speaking of Cakes

Well, we had one briefly glorious day of sunny-and-70-degrees; now it’s going to rain for the next 3 days straight.

I don’t know what the weather is like where you are, but maybe you’re in need of a good laugh.

If so, I’m here to help…

There’s this essay by Alice Bradley about a home-haircut gone awry which [...]

Wishing there were an Olympic sport called: Asking Awkward Questions

If I were a journalist in Sochi right now, you can be sure I’d be asking the hard-hitting questions like,

“Why do you think you just fucked up so badly?”

“Bob Costas, is it true you got pink eye from snuggling with a stray dog in your hotel room?”

“You know that journalists only want to interview you [...]

Good at Failing Pop Culture

[While watching the intro to Jimmy Fallon when they list the night's guests]

Andy: Who’s Miles Teller?

Me: I dunno…Maybe he’s one of those magicians from Penn & Teller?

Andy: [Blank stare].  Do you know who Penn & Teller are?

Me: Sure I do, they’re magicians.  They do weird stuff.  There’s the one really big guy, and the small [...]

What it Really Feels Like

You Learn to Layer

Last night I draped two layers of row covers over my arugula to (hopefully) keep them from biting the dust.  They all looked terrible after the first ‘Arctic Blast’; most of them were starting to perk up again & grow tender new leaves, but some of them had withered and died completely.

When I got back [...]

Dear Future: Go Ahead and Don’t Hire Me for any HR Positions

One of the guys at work needed a character reference letter for Little League, so this is the letter I wrote:

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing to recommend EmployeeName as an umpire for your baseball league. I think he would do a fine job because as far as I am aware of, he [...]

Shit My Guy Says: The Chicken Edition

[While eating a rotisserie chicken for dinner]

My Guy: If you weren’t here, I would eat this entire chicken by myself.

Me: Oh my god, no you wouldn’t.

My Guy: Yes I would, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with the leftovers.

Me:  That’s terrible.  I’m so sad for you.

My Guy:  I wouldn’t be sad.  I would be [...]

Do the Timewarp

In case you ever wondered where all of the clothing & haircuts from the 80’s went, they’re at Sam’s Club.  Bring your camera.