Andy: Why is there so much pollen?
Me: Um, I dunno…it’s just that time of year.
Andy: But why is there so much of it?
Me: You mean like, Why is there pollen?
Me: That’s how trees have sex. You know, ’cause it’s not like a tree can just walk down to the bar and find some lady [...]
First of all, you should buy and cook a corned beef. Just do it, and follow the package directions, because you know it’s delicious. You should not, under any circumstances, try to roast it. I made this mistake so you don’t have to, unless of course you like eating shriveled slabs of [...]
Nurse: How are you doing? Are you feeling nervous?
Andy: Yeah, a little.
Nurse: Is this your first time?
Andy: No, I’ve felt nervous before.
First of all, let me just say, 2015?!? I am still getting used to the idea that it is 2000-anything, and if I think about it too much I get a little weirded out and start thinking about HAL and singing Prince songs (or, ‘the symbol formerly known as Prince’ songs).
Second of all, let me [...]
Andy: Oh my god, they’re so old, Fleetwood Mac. They’re older than your mom.
Me: I’m putting that on the blog.
Andy: No, don’t, it might not even be true. We should find out how old they are first. [A few Wikipedia searches later:] Well they are older than your mom. But you still shouldn’t say it, [...]
I know it may not have been 40 days of rain yet, but I’m really wishing I had started building my ark a lot sooner.
My Guy: The next time you go to Sam’s could you get me some Goop [hand cleaner/degreaser]?
Me: Yeah. They don’t have it at Costco?
My Guy: No.
Me: I wonder why not?
My Guy: Because people who shop at Costco don’t work on their own cars. They pay people to do it for them.
The last time my computer broke, two-thirds of the screen went black, permanently. The other third of the screen still functioned fine, so I would drag and scroll things up to the 1/3 screen as best I could. After several days of this I found out that the glitch, as it turned out, [...]
The weekend before last I was a bridesmaid in my friend Ashley’s wedding. Things went as they normally do (hair, makeup, dress, bouquets) until, as we were walking across the lawn to go into the church, the sole of my shoe fell off.
But the problem was it did not fall completely off; the heel portion [...]
Me [to coworker]: What is this check for?
Coworker: A cannon.
Me: A cannon?
Coworker: Yeah, you know, from the pirate ship.
Me: Ohhh. Right. The pirates.
Coworker: Yeah, they actually offered me a job.
Me: No way. Like, being a pirate?
Coworker: Yeah, I guess he thought I looked like a pirate.
Me: Because of your beard?
Coworker: I guess. Musta been something, [...]