If I were a journalist in Sochi right now, you can be sure I’d be asking the hard-hitting questions like,
“Why do you think you just fucked up so badly?”
“Bob Costas, is it true you got pink eye from snuggling with a stray dog in your hotel room?”
“You know that journalists only want to interview you [...]
[While watching the intro to Jimmy Fallon when they list the night's guests]
Andy: Who’s Miles Teller?
Me: I dunno…Maybe he’s one of those magicians from Penn & Teller?
Andy: [Blank stare]. Do you know who Penn & Teller are?
Me: Sure I do, they’re magicians. They do weird stuff. There’s the one really big guy, and the small [...]
Last night I draped two layers of row covers over my arugula to (hopefully) keep them from biting the dust. They all looked terrible after the first ‘Arctic Blast’; most of them were starting to perk up again & grow tender new leaves, but some of them had withered and died completely.
When I got back [...]
One of the guys at work needed a character reference letter for Little League, so this is the letter I wrote:
To Whom it May Concern:
I am writing to recommend EmployeeName as an umpire for your baseball league. I think he would do a fine job because as far as I am aware of, he [...]
[While eating a rotisserie chicken for dinner]
My Guy: If you weren’t here, I would eat this entire chicken by myself.
Me: Oh my god, no you wouldn’t.
My Guy: Yes I would, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with the leftovers.
Me: That’s terrible. I’m so sad for you.
My Guy: I wouldn’t be sad. I would be [...]
In case you ever wondered where all of the clothing & haircuts from the 80’s went, they’re at Sam’s Club. Bring your camera.
Well, it’s that time of year again: The time of the first frost, and then the first killing frost; the time of begrudgingly switching the thermostat over to ‘heat;’ the time of turning the bed into blanket-topia; the time of eating all of the Halloween candy before Halloween (and the time, obviously, of being a [...]
Years from now, I may decide that the finest moment in my professional career was the day I told the sales guy he needed to make the other guy stop pooping in the ladies’ bathroom.
On the bright side, it worked (no more surprise floaters!)
The downside is the fact that this was a conversation that needed [...]
There are wasps in the ladies’ room at work. Although, ‘ladies room’ I think is a generous euphemism for what it actually is: a decrepit trailer containing toilets. And by ‘trailer,’ I do not mean something semi-nice, like you might see at an outdoor wedding; I mean something that the Clampett’s would have [...]