Me [to coworker]: What is this check for?
Coworker: A cannon.
Me: A cannon?
Coworker: Yeah, you know, from the pirate ship.
Me: Ohhh. Right. The pirates.
Coworker: Yeah, they actually offered me a job.
Me: No way. Like, being a pirate?
Coworker: Yeah, I guess he thought I looked like a pirate.
Me: Because of your beard?
Coworker: I guess. Musta been something, [...]
I’ve been battling a terrible cold this last week, drinking mug after hot mug of ginger tea (fresh grated ginger, lemon, hot water, honey to taste) and wishing I had had the foresight to stash away a few frozen quarts of this carrot-ginger soup. I did think that I had one, but after taking it [...]
Well, we had one briefly glorious day of sunny-and-70-degrees; now it’s going to rain for the next 3 days straight.
I don’t know what the weather is like where you are, but maybe you’re in need of a good laugh.
If so, I’m here to help…
There’s this essay by Alice Bradley about a home-haircut gone awry which [...]
If I were a journalist in Sochi right now, you can be sure I’d be asking the hard-hitting questions like,
“Why do you think you just fucked up so badly?”
“Bob Costas, is it true you got pink eye from snuggling with a stray dog in your hotel room?”
“You know that journalists only want to interview you [...]
[While watching the intro to Jimmy Fallon when they list the night's guests]
Andy: Who’s Miles Teller?
Me: I dunno…Maybe he’s one of those magicians from Penn & Teller?
Andy: [Blank stare]. Do you know who Penn & Teller are?
Me: Sure I do, they’re magicians. They do weird stuff. There’s the one really big guy, and the small [...]
Last night I draped two layers of row covers over my arugula to (hopefully) keep them from biting the dust. They all looked terrible after the first ‘Arctic Blast’; most of them were starting to perk up again & grow tender new leaves, but some of them had withered and died completely.
When I got back [...]
One of the guys at work needed a character reference letter for Little League, so this is the letter I wrote:
To Whom it May Concern:
I am writing to recommend EmployeeName as an umpire for your baseball league. I think he would do a fine job because as far as I am aware of, he [...]
[While eating a rotisserie chicken for dinner]
My Guy: If you weren’t here, I would eat this entire chicken by myself.
Me: Oh my god, no you wouldn’t.
My Guy: Yes I would, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with the leftovers.
Me: That’s terrible. I’m so sad for you.
My Guy: I wouldn’t be sad. I would be [...]
In case you ever wondered where all of the clothing & haircuts from the 80’s went, they’re at Sam’s Club. Bring your camera.