Mama Bird

Every spring a sparrow nests in the eaves of the porch.

She arrives at the end of April, like clockwork.

She uses whatever’s left of last year’s nest, fluffing it up with a little more grass, a bit of moss, a tuft of something-or-other scavenged from the yard.

And then she sits.  And waits.

In the mornings I take [...]

A Helpful Hint

Whenever you are doing something that makes you feel totally ordinary and boring like, say, buying eggs and milk at the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon and lamenting maybe a little now that the cashiers all refer to you as ‘ma’am,’ it helps to add a few curses to your interior monologue.

As in: “I’m [...]

Shit My Guy Says: The Pre-Marital Edition

[Driving to the jewelry store to redeem my 'one free watch battery' coupon because you know, why not, it's free and I needed a watch battery]

Andy: Are you going to wear that?

Me: What?

Andy: That sweatshirt.

Me:  Ummm….yes?  Why?

Andy: Oh god, you look like a bag lady.

Me:  Why?  What’s wrong with it?

Andy: What’s wrong with it? There’s [...]

Engagement Roast Chicken, And Wedding Planning is The Worst

This is, apparently, a thing—the engagement roast chicken.

I first read about it years and years ago in, of all places, Cosmo magazine.  The jist of it is, “Hey, make this roast chicken for your boyfriend.  It is so delicious that he will want to marry you.”

My first reaction to the article was something along the [...]

And then my grandmother rolled over in her grave, except she was cremated and is just ashes in a hole so this analogy is really falling apart

Yesterday at work I used the word ‘ain’t’ in a sentence.

Unironically.

Unintentionally.

As in, “She was supposed to send me some tax papers in a folder, but it ain’t in here.”

And then inwardly as soon as the word left my mouth I was thinking, “Oh. My. Gawd.  What?”

And then I chastised myself for bringing shame on my [...]