Poopety Poop

If there’s one thing that’s sorely lacking on food blogs these days, it’s poop.

I should know, because I bet I haven’t mentioned poop here in at least a week, maybe two.

My apologies.

Although technically what I’m talking about today is referred to as ‘scat,’ but unfortunately ‘scat’ is not as much fun to say as ‘poop.’

This poop does not come from a lion.

Or a tiger.

But a bear.

And I’m wishing these photos more accurately conveyed the sheer, massive size of these poops.

Let’s just put it this way: They were so big, you could see them from 50 feet away.

They were bigger than 20 Snooki-poops. (And believe you me, I know well the size of a Snooki-poop, as she insists on crapping every single time I take her for a run, forcing me to then finish exercising while carrying a bag of poop in my hand.  It’s not the most motivating thing in the world, but it does make me want to get home that much faster.  Also, I like to envision throwing poop at the rogue hooded skateboarders that whiz past and/or the people who don’t pick up after their dogs.  This is the only fun part of carrying a bag of poop in your hand, whereas the most awful part about running with a bag of poop is discovering the bag has a hole in it when you still have a mile to go).

So anyway, the bear.

While I have known, in theory, that there are bears in North Carolina I’ve never given it much thought, believing they were mainly confined to the mountains and isolated rural areas.  Sure, there was the hunter who told me that a bear had torn apart his deer-feeding station in Brunswick County.  But he must’ve been mistaken—it could’ve been another animal.  And yeah, there was the bear that crossed Market Street in Wilmington—but that must’ve been a fluke—a zoo escapee or bad choice of pet.

But now I know—due to the bumper crop of acorns this year, the bear(s) have ventured out of the woods and up to the live oak trees by the house, leaving loads of irrefutable proof that they do, in fact, exist in southeastern NC.

I used to wish that I could be a bear and hibernate through winter, sleeping through the worst of the weather and waking up in spring when I would rummage through the neighbors’ garbage cans in search of Cheetos and fresh babies.

But after seeing this bear poop, I don’t think it’d be worth it because, do you see all those acorn shells?  That poop is nothing but acorn shells and can you imagine having to pass 8 pounds of acorn shells through your system each day?

No wonder those Charmin bears are so obsessed with having soft toilet paper.

Because that shit has got to hurt.

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